A heartbreaking and hilarious memoir by iCarly and Sam & Cat star Jennette McCurdy about her struggles as a former child actor—including eating disorders, addiction, and a complicated relationship with her overbearing mother—and how she retook control of her life.

Jennette McCurdy was six years old when she had her first acting audition. Her mother’s dream was for her only daughter to become a star, and Jennette would do anything to make her mother happy. So she went along with what Mom called “calorie restriction,” eating little and weighing herself five times a day. She endured extensive at-home makeovers while Mom chided, “Your eyelashes are invisible, okay? You think Dakota Fanning doesn’t tint hers?” She was even showered by Mom until age sixteen while sharing her diaries, email, and all her income.

Warning: This book has a lot of traumatic experiences from verbal, emotional, psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

About a year ago, I heard someone talking about Jennette McCurdy’s book. I don’t remember if it was a friend, my son, or some random podcast, but I do recall that it was regarding her refusal to return for the iCarly reboot. At the time, I didn’t really know a lot about the actress. I had seen episodes of iCarly from time to time, however I was a little too old to be interested in the series and the actors who worked on the show. Something about that moment must have stuck in my head because I recently found myself checking out her memoir.

There are so many incidents of abuse that are highlighted in this memoir. While Jennette clearly has some fond memories of her mother, Debra, it’s very clear that they had a very unhealthy relationship. I don’t want to give away everything, but here are some of the key takeaways I had:

1. Debra was clearly suffering from one (or more) severe psychological disorders. There are so many events that highlight that something is significantly wrong with this woman.
2. Debra was living vicariously through her daughter. It was Debra’s dream to pursue an acting career. It was her desire to be less than 80 lbs. She wanted ultimate control over Jennette’s life, and when she began to lose control, she lashed out.
3. Jennette and her mother had a very co-dependent relationship. She strived to make her mother happy, often at the expense of her own happiness.
4. It never fails to amaze me that someone with a ton of comedic presence can be silently struggling so much.
5. I’m truly disgusted by how toxic and dysfunctional the working environment was in the Nickelodeon studios. I grew up loving so many of their shows, and I’m disgusted by all of the revelations that have come out over the past few years.

I know we have to be wary of believing everything we read. It’s common for memories to be colored differently with time or new perspective. But I didn’t walk away with the sense that Jennette despised her mother. If anything, it feels as if she is embarking on a journey of self discovery and working towards healing herself. I can only hope that she is able to find some genuine joy and peace, and that she finds a way to truly love herself and her body.