It’s been some time since I last posted on this blog. In truth, I got overwhelmed by the demands of my first year of teaching. Even posting about books I had finished reading seemed to become more of a chore than I could muster. What I didn’t realize is that I missed the interaction I received when I was active on my blog. I missed the bookworm community and I missed reading for fun.
Life got hard and for me, there were times when it almost felt unbearable. My first year of teaching was nothing like I could ever envision. I would love to say most of my struggles came from trying to manage my classroom or trying to figure out how to balance the curriculum for so many different students. But the truth was, my ideals didn’t match with theirs and I was miserable from the first time I realized what a huge mistake I made. This past year was hard and it drove me into such a deep and dark place, that it scared me at times. I finally confided in a friend, who happened to work with me, and she decided to curse me out and announce about how I was struggling two weeks later in the hallway with students all around us. At the end of the day, I realize she had her own difficulties and struggles. But that interaction was almost enough to push me over the edge. I stormed into the office, threatened to quit and then I proceeded to seek out a new therapist. I never did quit during the school year and although she apologized to me, I never again spoke to anyone at work about anything personal.
In today’s society, there’s still so much stigma and scrutiny over anyone who needs help. Yes, I’m sure some of my problems stem from my past and issues I have. But the truth is, I got to a really deep and dark place this past year because of the work environment I was in. I observed things that were tearing me up inside and all I wanted to do was scream. But I knew I couldn’t, because then I would not only lose my job. No, I’d lose any prospect I’d have of ever teaching anywhere else again. Trust me, there’s enough things to be frustrated about in the field of education. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the fact that I sought out help. I needed it. I am a single mother, who has very few people that I feel I can truly depend on or trust. Since one of those people broke that trust in such a demeaning and public way, I needed someone who could just be in my corner. For the most part, it’s working.
I’ve made changes to my life to help keep things more balanced. I spent the first several weeks of summer break deep cleaning the house of getting rid of stuff. I’ve always said that you can tell how stressed I am by how cluttered my living room looks. Right now it’s not perfect, but I don’t feel anxiety sitting here as I type. That’s not something I could say a couple of months ago.
I’ve been working on losing weight and eating healthier. It’s still a struggle. My knee got hurt by a student at the end of the school and it’s been bothering me ever since. I even took off a few weeks of work and didn’t play softball to let it heal. Also, on days when I’m waitressing, I don’t always want to come home and work out after being on my feet for so many hours. I’ll be working on improving this area of my life.
I’m currently working on my Highly Qualified Teaching certification for math and taking a class this summer. It’s left me a bit over extended, but I’m really enjoying everything that I’m learning and I’m eager to continue with it.
Now I’m going to work on getting back to blogging and reading. I need these comforts. They are helpful to me, even if I’m simply posting a review about a book I read or blabbering about some new recipe I’ve tried. I’ve missed writing and I’ve missed blogging about books. I can’t guarantee I’ll be as active as I was. But I’m going to try to make it a goal to post at least once a week for now.
So much has happened in this past year. Not all of it was bad. But for the parts that were, I’m working to move past it and to remind myself that I am enough.