“That’s what I’m afraid of. Not being enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough.”
Sometimes this is how I feel. Actually, lately, this is exactly how I feel.
All my life, I have tried to do something to better myself, my life, my existence and yet, I have always felt like I have come up short. To say I haven’t had the most supportive support system is an extreme understatement. In fact, ever since I was a child, I have pretty much been left to my own devices.
Does that mean no one has ever cared? No, I wouldn’t dare say that.
But to say that hitting milestones like graduating from High School, joining the military or even getting your degree, with little or no enthusiasm for your accomplishments can leave one feeling underwhelmed at the thought to keep trying.
And the worst part of it all is..
I’m not becoming a better person, in any shape or form.
The more abandoned, neglected and just completely obsolete I feel, the more I despise not only myself, but those around me. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a crowded room screaming my head off and then I realize, I haven’t even said a word.
Maybe the best thing for me is to find a permanent residence in my own little corner and just stop trying. Maybe my only true purpose in life is to care for Cameron.
And as much as I love my son.. I can’t honestly say I’m happy that is the only thing going for me. It’s certainly not good enough for him. With his condition, what he needs is a strong supportive family structure. He needs the interactions with others, so he can develop the social and verbal skills he is lacking because of his autism/pdd.
These, of course, are things I obviously can’t teach him. After all, you can’t teach what you haven’t figured out. When even what you perceive as a simple question, meant only to find out if you are wasting your time on a hobby, is turned into you “fussing”, it’s pretty clear you aren’t really a people person. Or clearly, the only thing I’ve mastered in my 27 years of life, is the ability to rub people the wrong way, no matter what I say or do.
I feel this same way about work. No matter how hard I work, I always feel as if I have failed at the end of the evening. It’s never enough. There’s never enough done… It’s enough to leave someone going home completely discouraged.
It’s all enough to leave me wondering, has my life already peaked?
Is this truly all there is for me? For my son?
And if this is all there is… then why do I keep trying?
Trying to make amends.. Trying to work harder.. Trying to do better..
Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough, but at the end of the day, I realize.. just exactly how true those feelings are. Maybe not to those who care about me, but as long as I see myself this way, it will always be my truth.