You know, several times over the past few years, I have sat back and reevaluated my life and the decisions I have made. There have been so many that are made, ones that at the time seem so insignificant and then later on you look back and wish you hadn’t. Those are the ones that hang even more heavily on my conscience. These thousands of thousands of “what ifs”, that keep me up until all hours of the night and leave me wishing I could curl up and cry myself to sleep.
We are struggling… Cam and I. We have been for some time now and for the most part, it is of my own doing.
See, I have no concept of money. I am truly a woman who believes in convenience over saving money. It is more convenient to go out to eat, than it is to cook. With cooking, comes the fact I have to prepare two meals. One for me and one for Cameron. Why can’t I eat what Cameron eats? Well, how would you like to live off of chicken nuggets and french fries, pizza and chips or PB&J?
Let me tell you, it gets old fast. I remember being a child and being stuck eating a very small variety of foods. In fact, it was my lack of options food-wise that makes it so, I will never again eat bologna and sometimes, I can’t even look at tomato soup or ketchup. I just can’t. I’m not even a big fan of candy or sweets, because I always indulged it as a child and teenager.
So… on top of preparing two separate meals, it leaves me with twice as many dishes to clean and honestly, I love to cook, hate to clean.
It’s odd, because I know when I have lived in places with larger kitchens, I would clean as I cook. But in the tiny confines of the kitchen I now have, I can’t even stand going in there to get a bottle of water from the fridge.
As some of my closest friends know, financially, we are scrapping by with just Cameron’s child support and no other means of income.
Am I too lazy to get a job?
Absolutely not. I applied and applied and applied. Most places never contacted me back and the ones who turned me down were either because I had applied for Nuclear Engineering jobs I wasn’t quite qualified for yet… or the normal lower-end jobs, because of my restricted hours in which I can actually work.
As a single mother, I don’t exactly have the best support system when it comes to getting help with Cameron. I can’t say I can honestly blame them. Cameron can be extremely difficult at times and he’s as stubborn as a mule. But sometimes, I wish I was lucky enough to have a family for which we were extremely close.
Cameron’s father is one of those lucky people. He and his family are extremely close and it was difficult for me to adjust to when we were married. My mother and I have never been particularly close, while he and his mother would even discuss our sex life (which let me tell you, is a MAJOR mood killer).
Anyways, I thought things would get easier, now that Cameron is in kindergarten. But I was sorely mistaken. For Cameron is in Special Ed. and they get out nearly an hour before everyone else. I have to be home to put him on the bus and take him off. Which leaves me open to work from 8-2. Now, he doesn’t get home until 2:45, but any good parent knows you have to give yourself enough time to be where you need to be. Because ANYTHING can happen; traffic, a wreck, vehicle trouble… etc.
This left me with very few options and honestly, the fact that I, a fully capable 26-year-old woman couldn’t even get a job scrubbing toilets or sweeping floors left me in an extremely low place. You want to know what failure looks like? Imagine looking at your child and not knowing if you were going to be able to feed him for the entire month, or put clean clothes on his back, or keep a roof over his head. Then you will understand how I felt and how I still feel today.
Luckily, my grandmother and aunt have agreed to help me get back into being a virtual contracted agent through arise.com. Now, I know what you are thinking. This is some scam site for you to spend a ton of money and never get anywhere?
Actually, you would be wrong. I worked for Arise in 2007-08 and I made fairly good money. But I won’t lie, it gets tiring. But back then, I had to deal with a 2-year-old Cameron, who was adjusting to us leaving his father and the only home he really knew.
So… finally after months of trying to get back into the fold of things, I officially start making money through my contract with AT&T Mobility as of tomorrow. The only problem is… I am having trouble finding the hours I need. Mainly it’s because we weren’t given access to Starmatic (our scheduling system) until two days AFTER the schedule posted. I have some hours posted for the week of Thanksgiving… though I’m not sure how I will manage with Cameron home (completely forgot about that when I took the hours).
But, the point is, there is FINALLY a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a small glimmer of hope and we have a long way to go, but I am happy to have it finally within my grasp.
Now, hopefully, I can start getting the rest of my life in order?